Follow Your Heart

When someone gives you a cheap piece of overused advice, take it with a grain of salt. Most of the time, these cliché phrases do more harm than good, and anyone who recites them to you is probably not a licensed therapist and has no business giving advice in the first place. In fact, they’re probably more screwed up than you are.

“Follow your heart.” Are you aware of just how birdbrained this piece of advice really is? Your heart doesn’t know diddly squat about your life! Your heart is all feelings and mushy mumbo jumbo nonsense. Your heart is in cahoots with your private parts, and together they’re conspiring to destroy you. They’re the last people — er, organs — you should follow down the dark alley of life and relationships.

Your brain is where it’s at. Hit the power button on that thing and use it for once. Click through for some more common advice you should totally ignore!


If the Shoe Fits, Wear It

Who even came up with this ridiculous phrase? The fact that a shoe fits isn’t necessarily a good enough reason to wear it! Take Crocs, for example. No one should wear Crocs, ever, whether they fit perfectly or not. They’re disgusting and they make you look foolish. People will laugh at you. Your friends and family will be ashamed to be seen in public with you and your hideous excuse for footwear.

If the shoe fits and it’s fabulous, wear it! Otherwise, donate it to your local Goodwill before it’s too late.


If You Love Someone, Set Them Free

If your perfect someone decides to leave, you probably did something really idiotic and deserve to be left behind with the rotting corpse of your love. But if you genuinely love him or her, don’t just sit back on your lazy bum and let them go!

I’m not saying that you should tie them up and keep them in your basement with a basket of lotion. (If that’s your situation, please set them free! And get help.) But if they’re leaving because you screwed up, grow a pair and fix it! Here’s what you need to do:

  1. Apologize for being a tool
  2. Stop being a tool
  3. Make it right
  4. Don’t do it again

Then they won’t want to leave. Problem solved.


Don’t Take No for an Answer

So many people give this advice, whether it applies to business activities or dating, and it really needs to stop. When did people decide that no isn’t a legitimate answer? It’s a perfectly fine answer! “Do you like oatmeal?” No. No, I don’t. “Are you sure? Maybe you should try it again!” For the hundredth time, no! Buzz off, you pest!

If someone says no, they mean it! They are not asking you to keep bothering them until they give in. They want you to leave them alone. They find you annoying and more than a little bit repulsive. Learn how to take a hint.

Actually, it’s not even a hint. They’re telling you exactly what you need to know. You don’t have to be a genius with an IQ of 300 billion to understand this logic, my friend. No means no. Deal with it.


Don’t Do Anything I Wouldn’t Do

Folks who give this advice are never the type of person you’d want to take this advice from. These are the two extremes:

Seriously? Are you insane? There’s literally nothing you wouldn’t do! I could boil myself in a pot filled with toy dinosaurs and pour melted copper over my head and I still wouldn’t be outside of your normal daily activities.

I have every intention of doing things you wouldn’t do, because you wouldn’t do anything. All you do is sit on the couch knitting and watching TV with the volume cranked up to deafening levels. Doing something you wouldn’t do would be great for me!

Not everyone’s the same. Not everyone lives by the same rules. Do whatever is right for you, and tell them to mind their own business for a change.


Nobody Will Love You Until You Love Yourself

This one is so completely false that it’s almost hilarious that some people still buy into the lie. It’s great to love yourself, don’t get me wrong, and you should try your best to improve your self-esteem, but you don’t have to be 100% enamored with your own reflection at all times in order to be loved. That’s absurd.

Self-doubt is not some sort of automatic love repellent. Tons of people who are insecure, and some who even battle self-loathing every day, have found love. Their partner may even love them more for not being a conceited, self-obsessed creep like the guy pictured above. (I mean, right? Look at him! He looks like he’s about to make out with his own mirror image. Gross.)

If someone really, truly loves you, they’re going to love you no matter how you feel about yourself in that dress. It’s called unconditional love. That’s kind of the whole point.


Ignore Them and They Will Go Away

How many times have well-meaning adults given this advice to bullied children since the dawn of time? It’s cute that you’re trying to help, guys, but it’s not good advice.

Ignoring someone doesn’t make them go away. Bullies don’t have lives of their own! They don’t have somewhere to be. They have all the time in the world to stick it out and make you miserable.

Besides, no one likes to be ignored. They want attention. You’re practically begging the jerks to be more obnoxious. Is that really what you want?


Keep Your Friends Close and Your Enemies Closer

I beg to differ. That advice is poppycock. Put as much distance between yourself and your enemies as possible.

Having crappy excuses for human beings around you is exhausting and toxic. Let’s go back and modify one of the earlier clichés, shall we? If you hate someone, set them free.

That’s much more practical advice.

You’ll Find Them When You Stop Looking

Allow me to get real with you guys for a second: If you never leave your parents’ basement and go outside, and if you never do anything to interact or connect with other human beings, you will never find “them.”

The man or woman of your dreams is not going to accidentally crash his or her car into your house. They’re not going to materialize next to you like they’re being beamed up by Scotty. You’re going to have to put a little effort into it, even if that just means stepping outside the front door.

You heard it here first.


If You Think Positive, Positive Things Will Happen

This one refers to that “self-fulfilling prophecy” that so many people talk about, but few seem to really logically comprehend: If you think bad things will happen, they will! If you think good things will happen, by gum, your life will be filled with butterflies and rainbows in no time!

  1.  If a bad thing is going to happen, it’ll happen regardless of your “positive thinking.” Thinking really hard about not getting cancer is not an effective preventative measure. We don’t live in some sort of magical realm where your thoughts can cause things to happen or not happen in real life. Relax. Having negative thoughts from time to time isn’t a crime, and it won’t lead you directly into a life of despair and loneliness.

Don’t pay any attention to people who spout ridiculous clichés and act like condescending dweebs. You’re too smart for that!